Nineteen

Nineteen

-14 November 2008-

these walls are grey...cold slabs of concrete
dark and deep catacombs that fill my aging mind
with an everlasting sense of not being able
to withstand all the deep and dark secrets
that have held me a willing captive for so long
nineteen years of imprisonment
have I served out the full sentence
required for victims of senseless child abuse
required for the years of nightmares,
the bruises, the harsh words, the blood, the tears
that all mean nothing to anyone
but mean everything to me
unashamed, unafraid I stand up
to speak out, to be heard
to let my voice speak nothing in the night
no more shallow lines of red x's and o's
keeping a scorecard on my body
no more empty bottles of pills long taken
no more reverse psychology
in an attempt to make it all better
no more risks, no more temptation
no more demons to haunt me at night
no more thrashing and jumping at every sound
If I face the shadows that have a grip on my heart
will I come out alive and as one whole person?
fragmented in crimson seas of shallow thoughts
for so long, oh so long
did I let that blade get the best of me
year after year I would cut in silence
I would cut in tears, I would slash my arms in anger
and I would bleed and bleed out my soul...all the vial hatred...
hoping to wash away all the fear with my tears
I cry no more now, I feel no more now on that subject
nineteen years is enough to serve a empty promise
nineteen years is good enough for me
I just have one more thing to write about now
I have to put it down on paper
I have to speak it out loud
and tell her how he hurt me.
tell her its not my fault
that he was sick inside and hated me for it.
maybe then we can love one another
as mother and daughter should.
nineteen years? I'm done with it now.
peace flows into these veins no long cut open to bleed
but to breathe in love and beauty
to breathe in redemption in the eyes of myself.

Burn

Burn

-14 November 2008-

sunlit decadence enshrouds the cobwebs in my mind
as I lift dusty tomes of memories
once packed away and forgotten
now pulled out to inspect and find
the reasons, the causes to why I am this way
I once upon a time wanted to rip out his insides
and laugh insanely as I murdered him
for hurting me so much
but those thoughts are no more.
no more do I creak up the ancient and crumbling stairways
no more do I pass the spiders gleaming in their webs
the distance sounds of childish footfalls
no longer greet my ears
as I am old and worn
having spent many years upon this earth
in my rocking chair
the wind howls outside against dusty and shallow paned window sills
"the sun doesn't shine in this place anymore"
I whisper to no one
Long gone are the faded phototgraphs from the faded walls
this faded house locked somewhere in my mind
that old woman sitting alone
suffering with withered memories of times past
a different era, a different world
so many years ago, I muse.
as I life the match to faded paper and strike it lit
I burn the hollow filled tomes in my mind,
running away from the memories that are not mine.
running away from the places that I didn't inhabit
goodbye rocking chair
goodbye old stairs
goodbye little spiders
goodbye little old woman who cries the silent tears
as I run, run far away from the dark catacombs...
it burns, it burns.... I whisper in my sleep
as the evil memories no longer haunt me.