Doubts For No Reason

After this weekend I can say without a doubt that my boyfriend is very dear to my heart. My fears stem from my abandonment issues. I have no reason to worry.

Feelings I Thought Had Died

Casey came over to spend the night last night. She was having a crisis so I drove down to exeter at 11pm to get her and bring her back here to feel safe.

My boyfriend is on one side, shes in the middle and I'm on the other side. Now, I'm snuggling her and in the back of my mind, I feel so right holding her in my arms and feeling her warm body against mine....yet I feel so wrong for thinking this way.

I'm a big mess. This ties into the post below where I'm telling you how confused and conflicted I feel.
I know somewhere along the line that I'm gonna end up back in a relationship with a woman. And I know that he knows it. I can bet you 10 to 1 that he's gonna bring it up sometime before monday.

A part of me longs for that female connection, everything inside of me wants her to touch me. It's instantly a turn on and I feel so ashamed.

And yet, I'm still clinging to the hope that I can be normal, have kids, and lead a good life. I know deep down that I'm lying to myself, trying to fool my emotions. I'm hurting a lot of people by not being honest with myself.

I'm selfish, scared, and secretly in pain. My heart it's broken. Maybe I'm scared of the long term commitment?  Maybe I'm scared of how well he knows me. Maybe I just needed a place to stay and I really am a cold hearted bitch. maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew.....

Confused, Regrets, Thoughts

Today was a hard day. I am often baffled by the strength several of us have it to make it through the day. I believe my last class was especially the hardest. We had to do an interactive, where on three separate sticky notes we listed: one regret, one thing that terrifies us, and one thing we're slightly embarrassed about. My things I listed were all semi serious, and all had a great impact on where I am today and why I am here.

I am small. I am timid. I am anti-social. I am scared. I'm terrified of life. I am also responsible. I am determined. I am motivated. I am driven. I want to succeed in life. How do these emotions reconcile with one another? I've come to the conclusion, that there are three kinds of people in this world 
1: the vindictive, pessimistic, never happy types. 
2: the sad, why-me, attention criers, who want everyone to pity them 
and 3: the ones who are motivated through their struggles to make it in this world, have people to support them, and wont give up no matter what. 
Which one are you?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me, says I'm the most important thing in his life, says he would die without me, says I complete him and make him happy. he tells me everyday how beautiful I am, how pretty my smile is, how nice my laughter is, how I'm so talented, how I have a beautiful voice, and so on. the compliments just keep racking up... they add up & up & up until I feel like I'm on top of a roof and have no choice but to jump or else I'll drown in compliments.

he asks me if I can see us being together forever, he asks me if i can see us being married, having kids, living  a life together somewhere.  honestly, I don't know. I've always been a drifter. our relationship is the longest i've ever had and sometimes I wonder what these reasons are.

I someday see myself a successful business woman, with a partner, living in a nice house with a dog, very happy.

on the other hand, I can see myself settled down, with children and being happy that way.

I just dont know anymore. my biggest fear is falling out of love with my boyfriend and then leaving him for a woman. I know that will cause him major heartbreak. I would hate to hurt him.

I feel confused. I feel crazy. I feel..... almost hollow.

I hate feeling this way.
I hate not knowing.

why can't I just be happy? why does it always come down to two?

Misguided Ghosts

"misguided ghosts.... traveling endlessly... the ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away.... and there's no one road....we should not be the same..... but I'm just a ghost....and still they echo me.... the echo me in circles...."

I'm feeling light head, dizzy, and all mixed up. I'm singing my heart out to Adele, Paramore, Sara Bareilles, and more. I feel in a deep throaty kinda mood of singing....I like it when I sing. I like when I can just sing the words and it sounds so pretty.

The dreams are even more frazzled now, these keys on keyboards feel piano keys. I feel weird. I'm not exactly sure to describe how I feel.

I think I want to get to know you all. I have an awareness of a few of you. I know Simi, Jayden, Rachael, Sara, and Tyler. I feel like there are more of you. If you want, I'll create a new blog on this account so you can write in it. Even though I hear you in my head, I think allowing you to have your own say is important to document.

I know this doesn't happen overnight. It's a slow process. I'm slightly excited to hear your opinions.

I think I'm rambling, for the sake of rambling.

well, I'm off for now.
-Christina

Who R You

There are moments when I am unsure.
There are moments when I forget who I am.
There are moments when I do not know.
There are moment when everything seems unreal.
There are moments when you look at me and I can't remember your name.
There are moments when I wake up and forget where I am.
There are moments when I look in the mirror and don't know who I am.

There are moments when everything seems fuzzy and grey.
There are moments when the fog sets in and I feel like I'm floating.
There are moments where I'm completely lost in time and feel invisible.
There are moments when I laugh hysterically and it's not ME.
There are voices of other people living inside my head.
They comments on my choices, poke fun at my clothes, and often make me feel unique. They comfort me when I am sad, they tell me jokes, and we bond a little bit.
and then.....

Sometimes, I look at me and wonder who I am.
Sometimes I look at me and all I see are fragments of what I used to be.
Sometimes I feel alone and scared. Sometimes I feel invisible. I think I'm fading.

I'm looking at the pictures of me, that I just took, none of those faces are mine. are those my hands? is that really my eye? I hate that I don't know. I wish I knew where "Christina" was. Who am I? Not one of those photos feels like me. they all look like different people. sometimes, I wonder if this is all pretend that I'll wake up and remember the me I used to me, if I was ever truly me.

Where did this start? When did you come into play? Are you someone I can trust? I look scary in those photos. false pretenses of happiness, those hands of mine that have written so many things.

I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid of this life. I'm afraid my significant other won't love me if he finds out. afraid, afraid, afraid of everything.

I want to be normal. (laughter in my head. She says we were never normal)

Do I want to know your name? She says to call her Simi, as I always have. She wants to introduce me to the others. I am hesitant. I am unsure. who are you? those words echo in my head to an empty response...

...I don't know.
-Christina

Depression

The initial impression of our therapist has left us feeling tired. I'm kinda weary of her credentials but an LCSW is better than nothing.
We have an appointment in two weeks. We'll see how that goes.
I'm very tired today. I don't quite recall most of my morning. I know Christina filled in the therapist with an overview including Tyler's suicide attempt. So far we've been diagnosed as depressed. Simi laughs at the thought. Tyler scoffs. Rachael is incoherent, and Sara doesn't know better. I am unsure.
How do you bring up a possible case of DID with a therapist? We don't know. I'm scared she might try to admit us.
Who knows. Time will tell.
-Jayden

They want me in therapy

I have therapy this morning..... First time going to therapy on my own in years since my suicide....attempt.
I'm scared. I know I'll be okay. I'm terrified of the facts. Well we will see how it goes from there. I think all my fears are irrational.
I'll be okay. If I tell myself that then I can believe it.