Let Me Hold You

Let Me Hold You

-27 November 2007-

tell me what is is about you
that has me so ~captivated~
give me another reason
to cast away my -worries-
and let me know that everything
will be okay if you just hold me
I feel like I'm falling over onto
this ledge that's teetering on breaking
oh please wait a minute I've realized
its the little bit of my heart that I have left
tell me what is it that defines
the way you look into my eyes
so far i see only warmth maybe passion
but I want to have something more
is it sad when I'm craving you
and you're not more than a bus ride away
is it hard to say that I wanna spend time with you
when I have to play mommy all day
tell me what it is that has brought you into my life
you've become a little spark of hope
that is helping me get through my nightmares
and I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart
and I'd like to love you but I'm afraid I don't know where to start
please tell me what is it about you
that has me so captivated by your beauty
please lets just stay here tonight
and everything will be alright
if I can just let you hold me...

a multitude of signs

i have issues.... i try often if not to self-diagnose myself.... most people suggest that its unhealthy....

i feel that i need to be put away. or at least on some deep medication...
things i might have include by aren,t limited to:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Panic Disorder
- PTSD
- Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm always suicidal and i'm an self-injurer.... what more of a fucked up situation could you ask for? I'm full of mental illness... i should be put in Butler... and truly locked up... in one of those padded cells.. and be put on like whatever medicine they put crazy ppl on.

sometimes i just feel plain crazy.... i also think I'm sometimes bi-polar in the extremity... like my moods are up and down...and i feel bad about faking it in the hospital... but im SO afraid to end up crazy like my mother... so afraid... she doesn't even realize she's crazy.... but she is... psycho abusive bitch. i hate her. i hate him. i hate my parents for the damage they caused... i wish someone cared enough to love me... but no one does.

my bouts of depression have been over a lot of things... i get attached to people to quickly.... because I have no one else. I have no family. no friends. I'm an orphan. my family disowned me.... i've been an orphan since I was 16...but then i was a slave to my mother... watching her kids... my stupid siblings... i honestly dislike them all.... but i wish no harm upon them.

if i could do this on my own and be good at it. i would. but I'm so worthless and not good at this its not even funny. i keep hurting myself... its just compulsive now... even more than the last time... same places though... so i can always hide them. always.

im a sick twisted person and i recognize i need help... the more i reach out to people... the more they go away.... and say that i'm fine... that's its okay... that I can stop anytime i want to... NO ONE is listening to me.... i CANT just quit.... i CANT just stop...and i just CANT do it.

its taking over... the cutting and head banging... the headaches and stomachaches... the vomiting and not eating... the nightmares and sleep deprivation.... its going... one day/night at a time... until eventually... I will be consumed and then who will save me?

who?
certainly not god.
and certainly.... not you.

can you see me now?
I'm right here on this ledge....
ready to fall.

let me out...

today i went to see the psychatrist.

i sat in this chair and told him my problems.

he gave me prescriptions and told me to see him in a month.

oh well.

he asked if i was hearing things.... i gave him a look.... then i smiled sweetly and replied no.

all the while, the voices told me to leave and to get out of there.

or maybe it was just me : )

lmao.

im fucking insane.

i think they let me out too soon.