a multitude of signs

i have issues.... i try often if not to self-diagnose myself.... most people suggest that its unhealthy....

i feel that i need to be put away. or at least on some deep medication...
things i might have include by aren,t limited to:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Panic Disorder
- PTSD
- Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm always suicidal and i'm an self-injurer.... what more of a fucked up situation could you ask for? I'm full of mental illness... i should be put in Butler... and truly locked up... in one of those padded cells.. and be put on like whatever medicine they put crazy ppl on.

sometimes i just feel plain crazy.... i also think I'm sometimes bi-polar in the extremity... like my moods are up and down...and i feel bad about faking it in the hospital... but im SO afraid to end up crazy like my mother... so afraid... she doesn't even realize she's crazy.... but she is... psycho abusive bitch. i hate her. i hate him. i hate my parents for the damage they caused... i wish someone cared enough to love me... but no one does.

my bouts of depression have been over a lot of things... i get attached to people to quickly.... because I have no one else. I have no family. no friends. I'm an orphan. my family disowned me.... i've been an orphan since I was 16...but then i was a slave to my mother... watching her kids... my stupid siblings... i honestly dislike them all.... but i wish no harm upon them.

if i could do this on my own and be good at it. i would. but I'm so worthless and not good at this its not even funny. i keep hurting myself... its just compulsive now... even more than the last time... same places though... so i can always hide them. always.

im a sick twisted person and i recognize i need help... the more i reach out to people... the more they go away.... and say that i'm fine... that's its okay... that I can stop anytime i want to... NO ONE is listening to me.... i CANT just quit.... i CANT just stop...and i just CANT do it.

its taking over... the cutting and head banging... the headaches and stomachaches... the vomiting and not eating... the nightmares and sleep deprivation.... its going... one day/night at a time... until eventually... I will be consumed and then who will save me?

who?
certainly not god.
and certainly.... not you.

can you see me now?
I'm right here on this ledge....
ready to fall.