by CT
She knocked on my door and in a hurried voice I asked "who is it?" She replied "it's Jess" In a small panic; I hesitated and let her in. She stands in the doorway, looking cute in her baggy jeans and big hoodie. She had changed clothes since the lat time I had seen her only twenty minutes ago. I let her by me and she handed me my keys saying how she found them behind her bookshelf after I had left. She came all the way to my house to give me back my keys which I had lent her five months ago. So she stands there and asks to take off her coat. I could have said no but a part of me wanted her to stay here. She set her coat aside and moved closer to me; hovering near my shoulder. We were just about to eat, so I looked at her and asked "did you eat?" "No" was all she said. So I fed her some French fries and chicken nuggets, because that's all we had.
After she had eaten, there was this silence. She looked at me, face full of fleeting emotions. I was unsure of what to say to her. I stood by the stove and she at the table. She patted the bench and told me to come sit down, that she doesn't bite... much. Cautiously I found ways to avoid it for fear of losing my composure and falling into the same routines... I know she doesn't want. So I talked with her asking questions about how her life has been, what's up with her relationship with a guy, I guess I can't complain. I just want her to stay here. So our conversation goes dead with silences in the thick stillness between us. How I want her to want me...
We change subjects as you've persuaded my brother to take a shower after I fought with him for twenty minutes. In exchanged he asked you to play video games, go ahead and indulge your inner child while I sit here and smile. So I watched you play games, thinking all the while of how much we've both changed since the last time we were dating... how you have changed... The reasons we we're apart were crazy and foolish and I was too young for you anyhow. So here we are watching TV and we're laughing, but I wonder if we're really laughing. You try to get closer, hold my arm... I'd like to more than anything but I do. I let you hang onto me wishing we were alone, but not completely because a part of me wants you here.
The clock hit eight and we were unsure when the buses ran last, so you put on your coat and we left together embracing the cold winter weather. We made small talk all the way up the streets till we reached the bus stop and I waited with you for the bus to come. As the bus grew closer you hugged me and whispered goodnight. As you got on the bus I didn't look back as the tears we're already rolling as I turned the block... I got home and went to my room. As I hit the bed I picked up this pen and started writing songs of you again. I'm hurt deeply by your absence. I'm hungry for you and I can't have you. When we were walking one phrase stood out...
You told me "well, I have been trying to find a girlfriend...but I'm not really trying... more like waiting for her..." That draws me off and I'm lost by you yet again...I wish you would send clear signals...All I wanted was for you to be here with me.... just here.
