Deep Rooted Silence

Deep Rooted Silence

-5 July 2008-

this deep rooted silence comes from
not being able to speak out
for fear of the hurting pain
that manifests in subtle ways
the slap of a hand
the glare of anger
the throwing of an object across the room

the repercussion for slamming doors
the punishments that were never ending
the depression for deeper emotional abuses

I have done no wrongs to be faulted for
I am not a whore, I am not on drugs,
I do not drink, I dont have random wild worrisome sex
I will probably marry one day
to a girl...

is that the underlying issue?
being gay?

lemme tell you something,
I'm just wired this way.

is this the reason for our issues? our fears? our mistreatment?
or is it because I am becoming something you no longer wish to deal with?
tell me now, or forever I won't know
why we struggle like this so...

my deep rooted silence
comes from the pain I've endured
of harsh words, small encouragements
and being overall ignored

I try to stand up and justify myself
and it always comes back
to something I mistook
or interpreted wrong

it comes down to this:
do I stand or do I fall?
take the plunge once more and admit I am wrong for nothing
or stand up and declare my emotions loud like a crow: caw! caw! caw!

Am I less of a person, for displaying family secrets?
have I broken the silent code?

I think your resentful, I've finally learned how to use my voice
This is all a part of the process towards healing myself
and becoming a better healed and whole person.

If I leave the negative behind,
will I regain the positive of the future?

I am a small tree, fixed and transplanted,
into a grove of trees, my family.
no mighty wind can knock me down
for they are the lightening which tries to strike
and I am becoming branches and leaves
learning to fight.

and if I use my voice to clear out the twilight shadows
will this silence be uprooted?