Justified Meaning with my Feelings

I ask myself these questions like who are you or what have you done; and a voice answers me back, always ridiculing me. always haunting me. I am unsure. I am unsafe. I dream the dreams of nightmares. I look back on past journal entries and the things I've said have scared me truly. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like the way my body feels depressed. There are things I barely remember coming to the surface and it makes me wonder.

It all started a month or two ago. My boyfriend and I were being intimate and he moved a certain way, that hurt up inside an inner wall and I froze and started to cry. Just blubbering crying and curled into a ball. It took him at least 10 minutes to calm me down, and I just felt really small and not safe. That night, the nightmares began. In my dreams, I remember feelings like being scared, pain, yelling. I remember sensations like being grabbed, being raped, being hurt. I feel small again. I don't like trying to remember. I wake up whimpering in my sleep and its never a good feeling. Mattias doesn't know this, but I usually end up crying myself to sleep, some nights because I'm scared. I am 22 years old and I still sleep with a nightlight. I make sure he closes the closet door, so I can try and sleep at night. Although, no matter how much sleep my body may get, my mind is constantly and always tired. I try not to let him see how much I'm hurting, but sometimes he can see right through me, and that is when I close up the most. I don't want him to see how crazy I feel I'm becoming.

A King

I'm not to sure which direction I'm heading.

mixed up and down, don't know how to figure you out,
they say your a king, something like that, God's one and only, who would suffer like that.
I'm feeling inspired, there's a fear in my bones, something untold, so ancient yet not cold.
every religion I've looked into: Buddhism, Hindu, Wicca,
New Age, Voudon, the Occult mysteries too,
yet everything seems so shallow when compared to you.
I'm well versed in many blessings or a curse,
I can heal, divine, tell the hands of time,
I can give you lists of herbal properties,
color to enhance your productivity....
I know all these old remedies...
and still,
I'm stuck in a fog and I can't break through,
maybe I need to rely on someone like you.
will you pick me up? will you be there?
I'm feeling inspired like I haven't been in years...
is this your way of letting me hear?
is this the truth, I'm supposed to fear?
they say your a king, yeah something like that
they say heaven almighty and praise the highest
I'm not sure which direction to go

sometime soon, I'll surely know

Strong Woman

I AM

that solitary moment

that sends the sinews

of my brain cells into a frenzy

I am a daughter of the moon,

a child of the sun,

all my beliefs now turned into one.

A daughter, sister, lover to some.

A strong woman.

My ancestors sing from the bloodied ground

and rise up to the stars.

I am honor, faith, and trust

all virtues I hold dear.

An artist, poet, author, and speaker

I create, shape, mold my visions.

I raise my voice to the heavens

I am a spirit being on this Earth.

I am Christina.... a strong woman