I ask myself these questions like who are you or what have you done; and a voice answers me back, always ridiculing me. always haunting me. I am unsure. I am unsafe. I dream the dreams of nightmares. I look back on past journal entries and the things I've said have scared me truly. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like the way my body feels depressed. There are things I barely remember coming to the surface and it makes me wonder.
It all started a month or two ago. My boyfriend and I were being intimate and he moved a certain way, that hurt up inside an inner wall and I froze and started to cry. Just blubbering crying and curled into a ball. It took him at least 10 minutes to calm me down, and I just felt really small and not safe. That night, the nightmares began. In my dreams, I remember feelings like being scared, pain, yelling. I remember sensations like being grabbed, being raped, being hurt. I feel small again. I don't like trying to remember. I wake up whimpering in my sleep and its never a good feeling. Mattias doesn't know this, but I usually end up crying myself to sleep, some nights because I'm scared. I am 22 years old and I still sleep with a nightlight. I make sure he closes the closet door, so I can try and sleep at night. Although, no matter how much sleep my body may get, my mind is constantly and always tired. I try not to let him see how much I'm hurting, but sometimes he can see right through me, and that is when I close up the most. I don't want him to see how crazy I feel I'm becoming.
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