Nineteen

Nineteen

-14 November 2008-

these walls are grey...cold slabs of concrete
dark and deep catacombs that fill my aging mind
with an everlasting sense of not being able
to withstand all the deep and dark secrets
that have held me a willing captive for so long
nineteen years of imprisonment
have I served out the full sentence
required for victims of senseless child abuse
required for the years of nightmares,
the bruises, the harsh words, the blood, the tears
that all mean nothing to anyone
but mean everything to me
unashamed, unafraid I stand up
to speak out, to be heard
to let my voice speak nothing in the night
no more shallow lines of red x's and o's
keeping a scorecard on my body
no more empty bottles of pills long taken
no more reverse psychology
in an attempt to make it all better
no more risks, no more temptation
no more demons to haunt me at night
no more thrashing and jumping at every sound
If I face the shadows that have a grip on my heart
will I come out alive and as one whole person?
fragmented in crimson seas of shallow thoughts
for so long, oh so long
did I let that blade get the best of me
year after year I would cut in silence
I would cut in tears, I would slash my arms in anger
and I would bleed and bleed out my soul...all the vial hatred...
hoping to wash away all the fear with my tears
I cry no more now, I feel no more now on that subject
nineteen years is enough to serve a empty promise
nineteen years is good enough for me
I just have one more thing to write about now
I have to put it down on paper
I have to speak it out loud
and tell her how he hurt me.
tell her its not my fault
that he was sick inside and hated me for it.
maybe then we can love one another
as mother and daughter should.
nineteen years? I'm done with it now.
peace flows into these veins no long cut open to bleed
but to breathe in love and beauty
to breathe in redemption in the eyes of myself.

Burn

Burn

-14 November 2008-

sunlit decadence enshrouds the cobwebs in my mind
as I lift dusty tomes of memories
once packed away and forgotten
now pulled out to inspect and find
the reasons, the causes to why I am this way
I once upon a time wanted to rip out his insides
and laugh insanely as I murdered him
for hurting me so much
but those thoughts are no more.
no more do I creak up the ancient and crumbling stairways
no more do I pass the spiders gleaming in their webs
the distance sounds of childish footfalls
no longer greet my ears
as I am old and worn
having spent many years upon this earth
in my rocking chair
the wind howls outside against dusty and shallow paned window sills
"the sun doesn't shine in this place anymore"
I whisper to no one
Long gone are the faded phototgraphs from the faded walls
this faded house locked somewhere in my mind
that old woman sitting alone
suffering with withered memories of times past
a different era, a different world
so many years ago, I muse.
as I life the match to faded paper and strike it lit
I burn the hollow filled tomes in my mind,
running away from the memories that are not mine.
running away from the places that I didn't inhabit
goodbye rocking chair
goodbye old stairs
goodbye little spiders
goodbye little old woman who cries the silent tears
as I run, run far away from the dark catacombs...
it burns, it burns.... I whisper in my sleep
as the evil memories no longer haunt me.

lonely-blue-eyes (story)

her eyes ment mine like I had been scolded by a boiling ocean... her need so transparent to my preception. she pierced my gaze then asking me "why don't you come by and visit?" and I knew it as an order but I could only nod my head as her blue eyes held mine captive. We arrived at her house, outside her gate , the memories of winters' past crept up into my mind as I had loved her then almost as much as I did at sixteen....and now at nineteen.. what am I to her? a friend, a secret lover, that rebound fling.... but that was another place, another time.

you -
utterly undefinable
seeking no notice to let me in,
you once told me your life stories and dreams
those three years ago...
has it really been so long?
when I was too young
too innocent, too naive to see -

me -
wanting, lusting, needing
to be captivated by you,
and still you held off
by another lover
while I was just the rebound
I was nothing at the time

we faded away, moved on, but you were still on my mind from time to time... I had other lovers since you, since then.. but she was no better - not even close.
away went the seasons to make way
for growth and change
nessicary for a new way, a new light of thinking, of seeing -

you -
have taken me home twice or more since then
and each time we climb those stairs
I am reminded of what lies
behind that door.
I can feel your eyes lingering
I can feel your eyes wanting me

we enter your apartment and sit at the table, talking like old friends around your roomates, but I know the real reason we do this... its polite and friend making. I know most of your roomates already from the various conversations we have. we leave the table then to head to your room.

you -
upon getting me behind that door
proceed to kiss, touch, and roam
you hands everywhere.
we're somehow on your bed now
and I don't mind.

me -
I keep track of time mentally in my head
making sure I know when I have to go
as I enjoy your hands all over my body
bringing my passion to her head
as I haven't spent a night in your arms
in so long - as your lover
I don't think I have that priledge
as I stare into your blue eyes

you -
notice that our making has slowed
and ask me to stay the night
as you declare to me softly
no other lover has paid
as much attention to you as I do
pleading for me to stay the night
with those lone blue eyes
how can I refuse?

me -
I enjoy this game of wanting, needing
lusting after you, wishing I didn't have to
wishing you were already mine.
but your not - yet again
your seeing someone else
another one just like her again
while I just occupy your bed
and I secretly hope it doesn't last.
I just hope you don't become
attached and get hurt again

and in the morning you rise from our nest of sheets and blankets and I wish you didn't have to go to work.. but you look at me and tell me duty calls as you kiss my forehead...my neck, snuggling close... but I lay in your t-shirt as you move away from me to shower and dress for work. wishing it could be this way everyday, wishing I could be here always.

buts its not that simple....
as I'm only your sometimes lover
and not your full time lover.
but I need more....as this is not enough.

no-- its not.

sinful desire

I drink longly from the slit of blood she offered me
intoxicated just on her scent
I offer her my wrists to please her
and she grabs me swiftly,
throwing me down to her feet
I sob and sigh as she lifts me up
by my short hair
"anything to please"
i whisper murmerly
she towers above me
and claws at my back
a slow dull pain begins to spread
up my legs, into my thighs
around my center
up my belly
into my breasts
and down my arms
she slides her nails
over and over again
and i whimper
as the pain mixes with pleasure
all these thoughts leave my head
and i am left alone in my bed
In Inspiration I Leave You,
Wren Sparrow

darkness corner

she sits and awaits in silent reverie
of what was always, yet never met to be
she ponders, hopes, dreams, then dismisses
all the wandering lovers she ever needed
wasting away night by night
the faded stillframes come to life
entwining memory with pictureless dreams
squandering heartlessness with dreadful seems
she sews and sews up the sides of her garment
torn for ages by a lustful brute
the unspeakable red mess left behind
as she bore not one but two of a kind
squalling and screaming a rage to be seen
two little angels in desguise it seems
she held them and coddled them
love as only a mother would know
two baby girls, one dark with cream the other white as snow

In Inspiration I Leave You,
Wren Sparrow

this blade

I wish to take this blade
and slash away
all of my inadequacies
all of my self-hatred
all of my loathing
all of my imperfections
but my incompleteness
makes me unique

allow this solemn blade
to pierce this dense skin
allow this crimson lie
to drip ruby eyed gems
onto the stained porcelain
of what they call this reality

no one ever sees this as what it is
they say im insane, im unhealthy
they say its wrong, to mutilate
to break flawless skin
which has always been so flawed
so marred by my deep understanding
that what is truely isnt

so with this blade
i hope to purge all my sins
which i do not believe in
this false idea of God
who is feminine and truly Goddess

let them condemn me
I've found the answer
with this blade

to bleed by a cut

in my deep despair
I ravish this blade
I climb this mountain
foolishly thinking me a champion

I take this blade
and press it to sweet tanned skin
the deep red swells just within
flowing a bit faster than before

its been so long since
the sharp edge
met my flesh
i feel so alive and refreshed
as the crimson seeps down my arm
and ruby droplets slash the the floor
leave me wanting more and more

but i do not press the hot metal to skin
for the temptation of going over the edge again

tormented memories haunt my eyes
as i long to complete the sweetest suicide
but the denial and goals heretofore
are stronger willed then they ever were

and the ruby droplets cease to fall
as the crimson crusts over to muddy brown
another scar, another tale
another time, another way

to complete this mission
to bleed by a cut completely.

In Inspiration I Leave You,
Wren Sparrow

the darkest night

they met in the darkest of the night
as only forbidden lovers should.
they grasped each other and held on tight
as they made their way down the hill
and into the deep forrest.
surrounded by night owls
in the thick grove of trees
did they preform the barest act of sexual need
females bodies engaged in one another
pale flesh against her dark coloring
niether one saw the man in the leaves
as he stepped out of the clearing
and whispered "Adele, you disgust me."
he looked closer at the dark african beauty
then upon his sister so near by.
grabbing his knife, and her in a chokehold
slit her porcelain throat from ear to ear
liquid red crimson mess
dribbled down his solemn heaving chest
the amazon girl so dark as night
backed away in all of fright
he follwed her chasing pace
and soon caught her in a snug embrace.
throwing her to the cool summer earth
he raped her over and over
his big hard cock
bruising and aching her sore cunt
at last he finished with her
and tossed her aside
as he cut out her heart
and muffled her last cries
leaving the forest clearing
with the moon still high
it was only a dark and dreary night

In Inspiration I Leave You,
Wren Sparrow

Use and Abuse Me

Use and Abuse Me

-23 July 2008-

Use and abuse me
It's all the same to you
You said to use me
You wanted to abuse me
This was fine with you
You said to hurt me
You said for me to be down
And it all happened as you
Wanted it to happen
So I ask myself why
Why I let it happen
Again and again
Time after time
It grows so old
You'd think I'd change again
And yet I say the say
Day after Day
Week after week
Being the loser that I am
So just come on and use me
So just come on and abuse me
You know you want it
So bad you can taste it
So come on and fuck me
So come on and kill me
End it all now with my blood
Wash it away with my tears
Do it now and let it be done.
So fuck you for coming to me
So fuck you for being in my place
Except I wouldn't change a thing
For the times we had together
I'd not trade them for the world
Except for maybe being together.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.
Fuck it all.
Fuck this horrible place.
Use and abuse me as you will.

night time

sometimes the nighttime
plays tricks with your sight and mind
nothing is there to see at all

In Inspiration I Leave You,
Wren Sparrow

if it was

if it was ment to be
then i would slash
these dreaded arms completly....
leaving crimson tides of blood and war
for kith and kin to find me on the bathroom floor
empty and lifeless as a 22nd st whore
nevermore to breath
nevermore to smile
cut and slash
cut and slash
the beats amount in my head
as i awake from this dream
and find im soaked in red

Deep Rooted Silence

Deep Rooted Silence

-5 July 2008-

this deep rooted silence comes from
not being able to speak out
for fear of the hurting pain
that manifests in subtle ways
the slap of a hand
the glare of anger
the throwing of an object across the room

the repercussion for slamming doors
the punishments that were never ending
the depression for deeper emotional abuses

I have done no wrongs to be faulted for
I am not a whore, I am not on drugs,
I do not drink, I dont have random wild worrisome sex
I will probably marry one day
to a girl...

is that the underlying issue?
being gay?

lemme tell you something,
I'm just wired this way.

is this the reason for our issues? our fears? our mistreatment?
or is it because I am becoming something you no longer wish to deal with?
tell me now, or forever I won't know
why we struggle like this so...

my deep rooted silence
comes from the pain I've endured
of harsh words, small encouragements
and being overall ignored

I try to stand up and justify myself
and it always comes back
to something I mistook
or interpreted wrong

it comes down to this:
do I stand or do I fall?
take the plunge once more and admit I am wrong for nothing
or stand up and declare my emotions loud like a crow: caw! caw! caw!

Am I less of a person, for displaying family secrets?
have I broken the silent code?

I think your resentful, I've finally learned how to use my voice
This is all a part of the process towards healing myself
and becoming a better healed and whole person.

If I leave the negative behind,
will I regain the positive of the future?

I am a small tree, fixed and transplanted,
into a grove of trees, my family.
no mighty wind can knock me down
for they are the lightening which tries to strike
and I am becoming branches and leaves
learning to fight.

and if I use my voice to clear out the twilight shadows
will this silence be uprooted?

Where I'm From

Where I'm From
(this is a poem format we used to write yearly in high school)

-26 May 2008-

Where I'm from
is sunny cow meadows
Where I'm from
is this hidden grove of trees
Where I'm from
witches and coveners always meet
to dance and twirl
beneath the starry skies
and bask in the love of
The Goddess and the God
Where I'm from
I know only love and self-improvement
Where I'm from
positive light and negative mix
to create a simple yet divine heavenly bliss
Where I'm from
I know where I'm going
I am proud to be a afro-rican latina
survivor of many abuses
strong willed and filled with purpose
Where I'm from
is within each of us
shining brightly if we know where to look.
Where I'm from
is where the full moon glows
and pulls in crimson tides
of my womanly cycle
Where I'm from
is peace, love, happiness, anger, sadness, music
Where I'm from
is where I'm going

Poems: a love for me

sometimes i sit

and stare out my window

hoping for a love of my own.

streetlights head this way, shining on the night

as shadows slink back, away and out of sight...

how I really wish someone would hold me

and let me know everything's gonna be all right

you have to understand

I have many moods and swings

somedays i'm the queen of the world

others i'm the bitch of the moon

and you wanna get away from me too soon.

I'll push you away when i'm feeling to close

you need to see past that and tell me no

for if you love me enough to care

you'll see all that is really there

i need to face my fears of being alone

i've always kinda been out on the cold

never known warmth for too long

and so from time to time i must move on

i'm looknig for a love whose stable and sane

one who knows what she wants and won't play games

i don't care what you call youself

as long as you love women and thats no doubt.

i play innocent from time to time

it helps me understand these worlds of dykeminds

but im never really innocent... at least not at first

until you catch me looking up your shirt ;)

so here I am, this is me,

take me or leave me.

but be a real love

and im here waiting.

Boxes and Duck Tape

Boxes and Duck Tape

-20 March 2008-

I'm sad and thats an understatement
they grabbed their boxes and the duck tape
they packed up their lives and drove away
now I'm left here on the sidewalk in the cold
goddess love me, I've never felt so old.
she didn't look at me last time I went by
my sister hasn't been to school in days
or so I was told yesterday by her teacher
with tears in my eyes I'm crying as they're gone
I may never see them again and thats all right
Its all right, Its all right
I know I'll be fine, I'll be okay
I wrote you a letter, mom
telling you that I'm moving on
I thought of mailing it to you
but I dont know where that is now
I don't know where that is.
stuck in the world of mess
onto the pavement lies
my heart in my chest
Its still beating
barely breathing
I promise I'm not going too far
I'll find you someday no matter where you are
they grabbed their boxes and their duck tape
and packed up their home
somehow I've never been so cold
I'm sad and thats an understatement
they left me alone.. barely broken
now I'm on my own, with no mistakes yet.
will someone pick me up and help me out
I need a family of friends to help love myself
to be there when times are tough
I'm calling you out... where are you?
stand up and shout because I can't see you
I can't feel you, where are you now?
where are you now? answer me please....
answer me.

Silver Ink

Silver Ink

-5 January 2008-

slice through the thin veil of tissue
you will find no crimson life force
there is no blood in these veins

there is ink

flowing through my body
carrying my life with it
onto pages and pages

I bleed

my history my dreams my thoughts
my life

written in blood
black and blue

on these pages
for you to
examine
criticize
hold up to the light

transparent

black and blue
drops of blood