What Is Love?

Some of the things I struggle with are just pure matter of the heart. Mattias and I have been together almost a year now, coming up in two weeks. This is my longest relationship ever. I'm not sure how I feel. A lot has happened in this year. A lot of it has to do with me growing up, being responsible, and doing what I can to hope things work.

I've never had someone share such things with me. I've never had someone understand me so completely. I've never had someone know me, almost better than I know myself. And still -- I push him away. constantly. Either with my tone of voice, or grumpiness, or even my attitude. I still continue to push those boundaries, thinking that like many other ex's before him -- will get fed up and leave.
He's staying. He's so committed to me, and I find it SO damn hard to grasp this concept. Why on this earth, would anyone in their right mind love someone like me? I am a broken doll. I had awful habits as well as good ones, and he still puts up with me.

Mattias has this way of giving what I call "googly eyes" and I still blush every time. It makes me feel insecure, it makes me feel like I'm no longer in control. It makes me feel like I'm not on top of things like I should be.

What scares me the most, is that he has no direction in life at all. I have goals and dreams and things I want to accomplish by the time I'm thiry. College mostly, but even still. somethings are just meant for you to accomplish. I sometimes feel like he puts me on this pedestal and lavishes me with compliments, almost like I deserve them.

I am not deserving of anyone's affection, attention, or advice. I have such low self-esteem. He feels like I've been distant lately, and he's right I have been. He gets upset because I push him away or I don't want to talk things out.

I feel like I'm trapped inside my own head.

These are the things I do know. No matter what, he will always be there for me. No matter what, he will always stop and listen to me when I need someone to talk to. No matter what, he will be supportive of my goals and dreams. No matter what, he loves me completely and truly for just being myself.

Still -- I put up these walls.

No matter how many times he will tell me these things, googly eyes and all. I find it hard to believe him. I find it hard to accept what he tells me. I find it even harder to accept these feelings and emotions that wash over me.

I find myself unable to respond for fear of believing what he tells me, may cause critical brain failure to compute.

I feel unlovable. even when it's been a year.

What Is Love? a nagging question my brain can't make sense of. That's what it is.