To be or not to be

I had a nice conversation last night with my friend Kelley. I basically vented about my mixed feelings. I came out as a lesbian at 14 years old. I got a lot of crap for it from my family. It was a really hard struggle.

My mother kicked me out at 18. Before I came out I was the perfect student, daughter, sister. Afterwards I felt like a stranger in my own home.

I floundered around for two years not really sure what to do with myself. I dated on and off, always the person who would break up with my partner.

Now I've been in a straight relationship for a year and I'm slowly suffocating. I'm not sure if its cause I don't wanna be alone or if its because I'm in love with him.

I feel confused, conflicted, and torn.

I don't wanna feel this way. I hate it. A part of me thinks its because this is the longest relationship I've ever been in...but a part of me also sees the future and thinks this is to good to be true. I guess the truth is what it is.

Kelley says I can't deny who I truly am. I wish there was a way to still be friends. I know he'll fall apart. I feel awful revealing these things that plague my mind. But that's what this safe space is for.
I just hope things work out. Then all my doubts will be gone.

I know who I am, I know what I like. I worry that I'm not thinking straight anymore.