Doubts For No Reason

After this weekend I can say without a doubt that my boyfriend is very dear to my heart. My fears stem from my abandonment issues. I have no reason to worry.

Feelings I Thought Had Died

Casey came over to spend the night last night. She was having a crisis so I drove down to exeter at 11pm to get her and bring her back here to feel safe.

My boyfriend is on one side, shes in the middle and I'm on the other side. Now, I'm snuggling her and in the back of my mind, I feel so right holding her in my arms and feeling her warm body against mine....yet I feel so wrong for thinking this way.

I'm a big mess. This ties into the post below where I'm telling you how confused and conflicted I feel.
I know somewhere along the line that I'm gonna end up back in a relationship with a woman. And I know that he knows it. I can bet you 10 to 1 that he's gonna bring it up sometime before monday.

A part of me longs for that female connection, everything inside of me wants her to touch me. It's instantly a turn on and I feel so ashamed.

And yet, I'm still clinging to the hope that I can be normal, have kids, and lead a good life. I know deep down that I'm lying to myself, trying to fool my emotions. I'm hurting a lot of people by not being honest with myself.

I'm selfish, scared, and secretly in pain. My heart it's broken. Maybe I'm scared of the long term commitment?  Maybe I'm scared of how well he knows me. Maybe I just needed a place to stay and I really am a cold hearted bitch. maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew.....

Confused, Regrets, Thoughts

Today was a hard day. I am often baffled by the strength several of us have it to make it through the day. I believe my last class was especially the hardest. We had to do an interactive, where on three separate sticky notes we listed: one regret, one thing that terrifies us, and one thing we're slightly embarrassed about. My things I listed were all semi serious, and all had a great impact on where I am today and why I am here.

I am small. I am timid. I am anti-social. I am scared. I'm terrified of life. I am also responsible. I am determined. I am motivated. I am driven. I want to succeed in life. How do these emotions reconcile with one another? I've come to the conclusion, that there are three kinds of people in this world 
1: the vindictive, pessimistic, never happy types. 
2: the sad, why-me, attention criers, who want everyone to pity them 
and 3: the ones who are motivated through their struggles to make it in this world, have people to support them, and wont give up no matter what. 
Which one are you?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me, says I'm the most important thing in his life, says he would die without me, says I complete him and make him happy. he tells me everyday how beautiful I am, how pretty my smile is, how nice my laughter is, how I'm so talented, how I have a beautiful voice, and so on. the compliments just keep racking up... they add up & up & up until I feel like I'm on top of a roof and have no choice but to jump or else I'll drown in compliments.

he asks me if I can see us being together forever, he asks me if i can see us being married, having kids, living  a life together somewhere.  honestly, I don't know. I've always been a drifter. our relationship is the longest i've ever had and sometimes I wonder what these reasons are.

I someday see myself a successful business woman, with a partner, living in a nice house with a dog, very happy.

on the other hand, I can see myself settled down, with children and being happy that way.

I just dont know anymore. my biggest fear is falling out of love with my boyfriend and then leaving him for a woman. I know that will cause him major heartbreak. I would hate to hurt him.

I feel confused. I feel crazy. I feel..... almost hollow.

I hate feeling this way.
I hate not knowing.

why can't I just be happy? why does it always come down to two?

Misguided Ghosts

"misguided ghosts.... traveling endlessly... the ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away.... and there's no one road....we should not be the same..... but I'm just a ghost....and still they echo me.... the echo me in circles...."

I'm feeling light head, dizzy, and all mixed up. I'm singing my heart out to Adele, Paramore, Sara Bareilles, and more. I feel in a deep throaty kinda mood of singing....I like it when I sing. I like when I can just sing the words and it sounds so pretty.

The dreams are even more frazzled now, these keys on keyboards feel piano keys. I feel weird. I'm not exactly sure to describe how I feel.

I think I want to get to know you all. I have an awareness of a few of you. I know Simi, Jayden, Rachael, Sara, and Tyler. I feel like there are more of you. If you want, I'll create a new blog on this account so you can write in it. Even though I hear you in my head, I think allowing you to have your own say is important to document.

I know this doesn't happen overnight. It's a slow process. I'm slightly excited to hear your opinions.

I think I'm rambling, for the sake of rambling.

well, I'm off for now.
-Christina

Who R You

There are moments when I am unsure.
There are moments when I forget who I am.
There are moments when I do not know.
There are moment when everything seems unreal.
There are moments when you look at me and I can't remember your name.
There are moments when I wake up and forget where I am.
There are moments when I look in the mirror and don't know who I am.

There are moments when everything seems fuzzy and grey.
There are moments when the fog sets in and I feel like I'm floating.
There are moments where I'm completely lost in time and feel invisible.
There are moments when I laugh hysterically and it's not ME.
There are voices of other people living inside my head.
They comments on my choices, poke fun at my clothes, and often make me feel unique. They comfort me when I am sad, they tell me jokes, and we bond a little bit.
and then.....

Sometimes, I look at me and wonder who I am.
Sometimes I look at me and all I see are fragments of what I used to be.
Sometimes I feel alone and scared. Sometimes I feel invisible. I think I'm fading.

I'm looking at the pictures of me, that I just took, none of those faces are mine. are those my hands? is that really my eye? I hate that I don't know. I wish I knew where "Christina" was. Who am I? Not one of those photos feels like me. they all look like different people. sometimes, I wonder if this is all pretend that I'll wake up and remember the me I used to me, if I was ever truly me.

Where did this start? When did you come into play? Are you someone I can trust? I look scary in those photos. false pretenses of happiness, those hands of mine that have written so many things.

I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid of this life. I'm afraid my significant other won't love me if he finds out. afraid, afraid, afraid of everything.

I want to be normal. (laughter in my head. She says we were never normal)

Do I want to know your name? She says to call her Simi, as I always have. She wants to introduce me to the others. I am hesitant. I am unsure. who are you? those words echo in my head to an empty response...

...I don't know.
-Christina

Depression

The initial impression of our therapist has left us feeling tired. I'm kinda weary of her credentials but an LCSW is better than nothing.
We have an appointment in two weeks. We'll see how that goes.
I'm very tired today. I don't quite recall most of my morning. I know Christina filled in the therapist with an overview including Tyler's suicide attempt. So far we've been diagnosed as depressed. Simi laughs at the thought. Tyler scoffs. Rachael is incoherent, and Sara doesn't know better. I am unsure.
How do you bring up a possible case of DID with a therapist? We don't know. I'm scared she might try to admit us.
Who knows. Time will tell.
-Jayden

They want me in therapy

I have therapy this morning..... First time going to therapy on my own in years since my suicide....attempt.
I'm scared. I know I'll be okay. I'm terrified of the facts. Well we will see how it goes from there. I think all my fears are irrational.
I'll be okay. If I tell myself that then I can believe it.

Running away from it all

Why is it that every time something good happens I feel the need to run away from it?
There its no rhyme or reason to my madness or methods as to why I think this is too good to be true.
My significant other is a good man. He is there for me, supportive of all my goals and dreams. I don't understand why i want to run away and hide.
I'm afraid I've begun to see myself as crazy. I'm not trying to push him away... I just no longer know where the boundaries are.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person staring back at me.
I'm scared of my reflection. I'm scared of who I might see.

A stressful event

Christina's mother was married yesterday. It was a beautiful day. Our mother looked stunning.
I, simi am slightly upset because I had to write the maid of honors speech last minute. And she still managed to mess it up. How is that possible? I don't know but it was annoying.
Side from that everything else was great. Jayden got us drunk last night and I now have to do christina homework. I'm not sure when Christina will be back. I'm a little concerned about that fact. Our body has been  unable to sleep. Its affecting my plan to study hard.
But I have to go and finish this assignment.
Bye,
Simi

To be or not to be

I had a nice conversation last night with my friend Kelley. I basically vented about my mixed feelings. I came out as a lesbian at 14 years old. I got a lot of crap for it from my family. It was a really hard struggle.

My mother kicked me out at 18. Before I came out I was the perfect student, daughter, sister. Afterwards I felt like a stranger in my own home.

I floundered around for two years not really sure what to do with myself. I dated on and off, always the person who would break up with my partner.

Now I've been in a straight relationship for a year and I'm slowly suffocating. I'm not sure if its cause I don't wanna be alone or if its because I'm in love with him.

I feel confused, conflicted, and torn.

I don't wanna feel this way. I hate it. A part of me thinks its because this is the longest relationship I've ever been in...but a part of me also sees the future and thinks this is to good to be true. I guess the truth is what it is.

Kelley says I can't deny who I truly am. I wish there was a way to still be friends. I know he'll fall apart. I feel awful revealing these things that plague my mind. But that's what this safe space is for.
I just hope things work out. Then all my doubts will be gone.

I know who I am, I know what I like. I worry that I'm not thinking straight anymore.

The little things

Sometimes when we want things, they appear in ways we didn't expect. I have found this to be a very profound and spiritual thing. If I open up inside myself and learn to fully love all my parts I think I'll be one step closer to peace.
Sometimes I find it hard to really stop and listen to whatever it is that my Simi has to say. I often try to tune out her bossy attitude. Emma is happy that the cigarette roller is broken. I am not. I'm probably going to have to buy a new one. Just another expense in the life of being an adult.
I'm not sure I agree with the ones who want to speak up. Often I feel like I'm crazy for admitting that they exist. I'm going to see a therapist next week, I really hope she can help me.
Don't take the like things for granted. They often bring you the greatest joy.

What Is Love?

Some of the things I struggle with are just pure matter of the heart. Mattias and I have been together almost a year now, coming up in two weeks. This is my longest relationship ever. I'm not sure how I feel. A lot has happened in this year. A lot of it has to do with me growing up, being responsible, and doing what I can to hope things work.

I've never had someone share such things with me. I've never had someone understand me so completely. I've never had someone know me, almost better than I know myself. And still -- I push him away. constantly. Either with my tone of voice, or grumpiness, or even my attitude. I still continue to push those boundaries, thinking that like many other ex's before him -- will get fed up and leave.
He's staying. He's so committed to me, and I find it SO damn hard to grasp this concept. Why on this earth, would anyone in their right mind love someone like me? I am a broken doll. I had awful habits as well as good ones, and he still puts up with me.

Mattias has this way of giving what I call "googly eyes" and I still blush every time. It makes me feel insecure, it makes me feel like I'm no longer in control. It makes me feel like I'm not on top of things like I should be.

What scares me the most, is that he has no direction in life at all. I have goals and dreams and things I want to accomplish by the time I'm thiry. College mostly, but even still. somethings are just meant for you to accomplish. I sometimes feel like he puts me on this pedestal and lavishes me with compliments, almost like I deserve them.

I am not deserving of anyone's affection, attention, or advice. I have such low self-esteem. He feels like I've been distant lately, and he's right I have been. He gets upset because I push him away or I don't want to talk things out.

I feel like I'm trapped inside my own head.

These are the things I do know. No matter what, he will always be there for me. No matter what, he will always stop and listen to me when I need someone to talk to. No matter what, he will be supportive of my goals and dreams. No matter what, he loves me completely and truly for just being myself.

Still -- I put up these walls.

No matter how many times he will tell me these things, googly eyes and all. I find it hard to believe him. I find it hard to accept what he tells me. I find it even harder to accept these feelings and emotions that wash over me.

I find myself unable to respond for fear of believing what he tells me, may cause critical brain failure to compute.

I feel unlovable. even when it's been a year.

What Is Love? a nagging question my brain can't make sense of. That's what it is.

Justified Meaning with my Feelings

I ask myself these questions like who are you or what have you done; and a voice answers me back, always ridiculing me. always haunting me. I am unsure. I am unsafe. I dream the dreams of nightmares. I look back on past journal entries and the things I've said have scared me truly. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like the way my body feels depressed. There are things I barely remember coming to the surface and it makes me wonder.

It all started a month or two ago. My boyfriend and I were being intimate and he moved a certain way, that hurt up inside an inner wall and I froze and started to cry. Just blubbering crying and curled into a ball. It took him at least 10 minutes to calm me down, and I just felt really small and not safe. That night, the nightmares began. In my dreams, I remember feelings like being scared, pain, yelling. I remember sensations like being grabbed, being raped, being hurt. I feel small again. I don't like trying to remember. I wake up whimpering in my sleep and its never a good feeling. Mattias doesn't know this, but I usually end up crying myself to sleep, some nights because I'm scared. I am 22 years old and I still sleep with a nightlight. I make sure he closes the closet door, so I can try and sleep at night. Although, no matter how much sleep my body may get, my mind is constantly and always tired. I try not to let him see how much I'm hurting, but sometimes he can see right through me, and that is when I close up the most. I don't want him to see how crazy I feel I'm becoming.

A King

I'm not to sure which direction I'm heading.

mixed up and down, don't know how to figure you out,
they say your a king, something like that, God's one and only, who would suffer like that.
I'm feeling inspired, there's a fear in my bones, something untold, so ancient yet not cold.
every religion I've looked into: Buddhism, Hindu, Wicca,
New Age, Voudon, the Occult mysteries too,
yet everything seems so shallow when compared to you.
I'm well versed in many blessings or a curse,
I can heal, divine, tell the hands of time,
I can give you lists of herbal properties,
color to enhance your productivity....
I know all these old remedies...
and still,
I'm stuck in a fog and I can't break through,
maybe I need to rely on someone like you.
will you pick me up? will you be there?
I'm feeling inspired like I haven't been in years...
is this your way of letting me hear?
is this the truth, I'm supposed to fear?
they say your a king, yeah something like that
they say heaven almighty and praise the highest
I'm not sure which direction to go

sometime soon, I'll surely know

Strong Woman

I AM

that solitary moment

that sends the sinews

of my brain cells into a frenzy

I am a daughter of the moon,

a child of the sun,

all my beliefs now turned into one.

A daughter, sister, lover to some.

A strong woman.

My ancestors sing from the bloodied ground

and rise up to the stars.

I am honor, faith, and trust

all virtues I hold dear.

An artist, poet, author, and speaker

I create, shape, mold my visions.

I raise my voice to the heavens

I am a spirit being on this Earth.

I am Christina.... a strong woman

Longing

Longing

-12 April 2011-

I long for solitude
the sweet sound of nothingness
to know that no sound can be heard
to feel nothing but the spring's breeze

I long for inner peace
a sense of stillness within my mind
a place where I can run to
without a fear of being followed

I long for comfort
just to hold someone in my arms
and to be content in one another
spending our time side by side

I long for harmony
to stop this chaos and discord
the drama of everyday living
let it be forgotten like the sands of time

I long for hope
that I may make it through this
and accomplish everything I aim for

I long for love
to know that as I am held
this person truly cares for me
and will not let me go.... until that final breath comes

I long for contentment
will I ever find it?
I don't know.

Only Parts

Only Parts

- 27 March 2011-

The parts of myself
that were lost in exile
are slowly coming back to me
their origins are steeped in
greed, selfishness, envy, wrath
all the small bits I forever held back
I didn't think this could ever work
I was fine with just being another
a happy medium between friends and sometimes lover
now, you're holding me in your arms
and I feel safe and warm
there's a small chance my broken heart
may start to beat again
as all my emotions are returning to me
my walls will be high
until I am sure
that you can no longer
possibly hurt me

Kaleidoscopes

Kaleidoscopes

-25 February 2011-

a bitter outlook on life
is looking at bleeding wound
through a kaleidoscope
no matter how fascinating
or captivating the color and shapes may be
you're still bleeding profoundly
so dress your wounds and don't look back
just smile through the pain
you smile because to laugh admits nervousness
to cry and shed tears admits renewal
to feel the anger and know your fear
means your mind is now finally clear
Kaleidoscopes amuse and entertain
they create an atmosphere of reality
multicolored shifting perspectives
they dance, sing, and change
the edges of reality called life

Alone

Alone

-12 January 2011-

Alone I wander through the night
through doors of dreamscapes and nightmares a flight
Alone I pace and keep on thinking
of what could have happened
of what am I missing?
Alone, I find myself staring up
seeing the stars twinkle and shine
like silent guardians of the twilight
Alone I plead for emotions to return
to revive my heart and heal my emotions
Alone I beg for what I cannot see
Alone I cry for I now have no one
Alone I plead for emotions to return
to stop the numbness of my cold heart
allowing myself to be taken over
by the creatures of a darker nature
in a better light, which I would never do...
Alone I find myself on this edge
Alone I find myself stepping off
Alone I bid you farewell
through the doors of dreamscapes and nightmares a flight
I've now awoken to the morning light.